When You See Your Father in Your Son

I have a strong opinion that we are destined to be our fathers.

I’ve worked with young fathers and fathers-to-be for close to ten years. I’ve always shared this statement. There is a qualifier though. We are destined to be our fathers unless we are intentional to not be our fathers.

One statement I’ve heard over and over through the years is, “I want my son or daughter to have it better than I had it.” At this point, I would always share my opinion on fatherhood. It was interesting to watch the reaction of the young father. Usually, one of two things would happen…Either the young man would smile as he thought about his hero dad, or he would look dejected as he thought about his absent or poor father.

My father passed away in the summer of 2017. I miss him terribly. He was not a perfect father. Like many of us, he made many mistakes as he and my mother raised three kids. In his later years, he acknowledged those mistakes to us three and asked for forgiveness. That action was confirmation of what we already knew. My father was a strong man of character. D.L. Moody once stated that, “If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself.” I think that could have been my father’s motto. He came from a different era where “Dad” was expected to provide, financially, and provide discipline. He showed love by doing these things. He rarely told me, “I love you” when I was growing up. He showed me he loved me.

When I was told by my beautiful wife that she was pregnant, I made a conscious decision to shore up some of the things that I felt were absent in my upbringing. I was going to tell my son I loved him. I was going to be available, relationally, to my son. I wanted for my son to look at me as a hero dad! At the time, I didn’t fully realize that I was half-way to being that hero dad.

All these fragments come together now. As I spoke with young fathers, I realized that I was my father in so many ways. I did things differently, but I had embraced all the things that made my dad the great man he was. At the same time, I had done my best not to make the same mistakes he had made. There was hope for me and for this young father in front of me to change the direction we had been on. We could be intentional about who we would become as fathers of sons and daughters. And, now, as I look at my son as he nears twenty years of age, I recognize he’s doing the same thing I had done. He’s not a father yet, but he’s defining who he is as a man. He’s shoring up the things that were absent in his upbringing and, I hope, he’s embracing what I did well. And, wow, I’m starting to see my father in my son! To me, that’s one of the greatest compliments I could receive as a father. I’ve somehow passed along the great things my dad represented. My son is becoming a great man of integrity. He is high character and proof of that is his reputation.

I couldn’t be prouder.

I don’t understand everything. I do have a passion for fatherhood, both as a father to my son and for other fathers trying to figure it all out. My hope is that this will be a place that I can share some of these musings on fatherhood. I hope it speaks to you, whether you are a man that will one day be a father, you are a father-to-be or you are like me, a father of a young adult.

We all make mistakes in fatherhood. My father did many things that made him a great father. Perhaps the biggest thing, was asking for forgiveness for his mistakes. He did this when my brother, sister and I were grown adults. Maybe you are at that place my father was. It’s not too late to be a great father.

I am my father in so many ways. My son is me in so many ways. Someday, hopefully, I will have the pleasure of watching my son become a father. My hope is I will see my father in my grandchildren.

My son always calls me “Pops”. I love this term of endearment. Now, as I hear it, I think of my own father and think, “Thanks Pops.”

Thanks Pops is my father’s legacy living through me and my son. My hope is this space would become a place to share ideas on fatherhood. Whether you are a father of a son or daughter, I invite you to live this out with me.