Relax.
We have a tendency to want to make every moment with our child to be spectacular and deeply meaningful. I discovered years ago that the nothing-moments where nothing was discussed, no wisdom was passed along, and life transformation didn’t happen were so incredibly important in my relationship with my son. Those nothing-moments actually helped me have those deeper times with him.
I’ve had deep, deep important discussions about tough topics with my son over the years. Those moments are becoming fewer and fewer between now that he is living in NYC going to school. But they still happen occasionally.
What made those moments doable for me and transformational for him was all the times we spent together doing nothing. Umberto Eco stated, “I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” I couldn’t agree more.
Six years ago, my wife and I decided to reward my son (and, let’s be honest, me too) with a trip to the NBA Summer League in Las Vegas. The Summer League is two weeks of back to back games including all the rookie talent entering the NBA as well as fringe players trying to impress their ways on to rosters in the coming season. We weren’t sure what it would be like, but my son and I share a love for basketball so thought it was worth the try. That turned out to be one of the best father-son decisions we ever made. Each year we look forward to that time together in Vegas literally watching 8-10 hours of basketball a day.
I remember that first year upon coming back home, my wife asking me what we talked about those four days away. I hesitated and stated, “We talked about basketball.” I almost sensed disappointment on her part. I quickly followed up with, “This time was about basketball, but this time allows me to talk with him on more important things in the future.”
And, this is my point. Be present. Be available. Be willing to do nothing with your child so you have a voice on deeper things in the future. Some of those things may not be as fun to you as a weekend away in Vegas watching basketball, but they are to your child. Know why? Because you are doing it together.
I truly believe that some of my success as a father can be attributed to our commitment to doing things like the NBA Summer League together. The fun thing, now, is the fact that my son’s and my excitement for this Vegas trip gets bigger each year. My dream is to be doing it even ten or twenty years from now…maybe with my future grandchild in tow. What a great tradition! My bigger dream is that my son understands that this time was about basketball, yes. But it was more about him and me.
Thanks Pops! 