You are Not the Hero of the Story!

You really don’t want to be the hero.

In so many ways, we have become a self-absorbed society full of image management and selfies. It’s really exhausting seeing it day in and day out.

At the same time, it is so easy for us to get sucked into the same mentality. In the face of selfishness and “me, me, me”, there comes a point where we all break and ask, “Well, what about me too?” It’s understandable. Deep down, we all want to be noticed and loved.

The problem lies when seeking attention and love sabotages who we are and negatively impacts those around us.

My son played competitive basketball starting in the 3rd grade. I loved those days! I have so many fond memories of watching him play. Great memories. It brought me such joy to see him receive joy from playing the game. Still one of my fondest memories is praying before games with him.

At the same time, I really can dislike youth sports. The biggest problem with youth sports often is the parents! Ask referees. Ask coaches. Ask the kids. Some parents can ruin youth sports and, in turn, damage the kids participating in the sport. Why? They yell at their kids. They yell at referees. They get in fights with other parents. They aren’t trying to be jerks. They think they are helping…hopefully. Again, why?

I believe it’s because they are seeking identity through their kid’s success. They want to be seen by others as the parent of a superstar. They want to be seen as a success, themselves, and that often happens by measuring themselves against other parents based upon the performance of their child on the court.

Instead of celebrating their child participating in a team sport and learning great lessons such as teamwork, patience, perseverance, victory, loss, sacrifice, selflessness, competitiveness, etc, etc, they are focused on themselves. They probably would not agree with me. They would probably say that they are teaching lessons to their son or daughter. And, on the surface, you could agree with what they are saying.

But watch them after the game. If their child did not perform up to expectations or their child’s team lost, they are dejected and often take it out on their child. Their own identity is damaged by the performance of their child. At the same time, watch the face and body language of the child as they are dug into by, what I’m just going to come out and call it like it is, a selfish parent.

That parent mistakenly sees themself as the hero of the story. In a weird way, that parent is in competition with their child.

Don’t hear what I am not saying. I’m not against challenging your kids to be the best they can be. Encouragement and holding them accountable to the standards they have set is good parenting. Our kids oftentimes need to be pushed to be the best version of themselves. Without parents challenging them to be better, kids may never know what they are capable of accomplishing.

So, I’m not a total nerd, but I like Star Wars. There are so many great lessons and examples in those movies that we can apply to our lives.

One of my favorites is the relationship between Luke and Yoda. If you don’t know what I’m referencing here, I’m not going to even try to explain to you who Yoda and Luke are. Neither of us have the time. If you haven’t, watch the movies. They are really more than movies about wars amongst the stars.

Yoda, is a master that invests in a young apprentice named Luke. Yoda has incredible skills and experiences that bury Luke’s. He’s hard on Luke but in an encouraging and challenging way. He doesn’t give up on Luke and doesn’t allow Luke to give up on himself.

Why does he do this? Simply stated, Yoda doesn’t view himself as the hero of the story. He understands that the hope of everyone’s story lies in the hands of Luke. He lets Luke be the hero. At the same time, Yoda isn’t taking his identity from the performance of Luke. He is solidly confident in his own identity as a master. He allows Luke to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. He’s firmly invested in Luke’s future but recognizes that Luke needs to discover that, in a lot of ways, by himself.

Dad, you are Yoda! You are not the hero!

Your child is Luke! Your child is the hero!

You have experienced so much in your life that your child has not. He or she is an apprentice in your master-class. When we stop viewing ourselves as the hero of the story, our children stop having to deal with an unwanted competition with us. When we view ourselves as the master pouring into an apprentice, we stop taking our identity from their performance and start understanding that the mistakes and accomplishments are their own…not our’s.

This is difficult, I know. You are called to protect and lift up your kids. But, what if you embraced your role as the wise mentor in the story instead of the hero of the story? How much happier would you be? How much happier would your child be?

With experience and wisdom, it’s easier to adopt the character in the story that speaks into the story of the hero. Very view young people want that role. They, naturally, want to be the hero. We need to set aside our pride and totally embrace that role of Yoda.

As a parent of an adult, this resonates more and more with me. I wish I would have understood this more when he was younger. So, I’m focusing on being that person in his life now. Now, I trust my lessons will be heard and he will move forward based on what he thinks is right. That may or may not be what I would choose.

I’m ok with that.

Either way, he is the hero! I’m not.